As you may remember from this post here, I had set out 4 months ago to get into a routine of working out. It went well for the first week, and then things went boom. My daughter started not wanting to take her naps, my body decided it wanted to go through a never-ending depression phase. Life just got hectic way too quickly and the work outs went out the window. I'm not proud of this. I do this every time I try to work out. The thing is, now that I'm trying to be super aware of how I feel so I can pinpoint the things that trigger my depression, I've come to notice that working out does not bring me joy.
People keep saying that working out gives you endorphins, which makes you happy, and that it clears your head. It's actually one of the things they tell you to do when you're depressed to feel better. I don't know if it's just me, or if it's just because I'm not used to working out on a regular basis, but it does not make me feel better at all. Of course I feel proud of myself right after for getting through it, but it doesn't last long. Very quickly, I start being in pain everywhere and I get so exhausted. The exhaustion actually lasts through the next day. When I work out, I spend the rest of that day and the whole day after feeling like complete crap.
Like I said, I don't know if it's how I am or if it's just because I'm not used to working out regularly and I should just push through those feelings, but with everything going on right now it's hard to find the motivation to work out. I'm still battling my stupid depression and exhausting myself like that isn't helping. It's a vicious cycle though, because one of the things that my dear brain likes to tell me when I'm depressed is how disgusting my body looks, but doing something about it just makes me so exhausted that I don't have any energy left to deal with my kids.
Last week I did the first week of Couch to 5K and I ate healthy meals. I wasn't expecting a weight loss, obviously, but I was hoping that my weight would at least stay the same. It didn't. I gained almost 2 pounds. It's really demoralizing forcing yourself to do something that makes you feel like crap and have completely the opposite results.
Sadly, right now, even though I'm overweight and I really need to do something about it, I need to figure out my priorities. I need to find a way to get my depression off my back so that I can try to work out with less concequences. I think that even though I'll feel like crap after the work out, if I don't have to deal with the depression on top of it, it'll be less awful and I might be able to push trhough to get to a point where it won't be so awful.
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